Making Things Without Praise

Battling “good enough.”

The conversation of "being enough" haunted me during my time in grad school. I found comfort in learning that I wasn't alone, nor was I the first person to experience this. During a studio visit with a visiting artist to my program, I was told,"It never goes away—so get used to it." Immediately, it made sense. She swung her head around to me, with raised eyebrows signaling to tighten up. Not in judgment, but in a way that showed she was making sure I understood what she meant by “It never goes away”. As long as you know it never goes away, you can continue to focus and do the work.

What do you do with that? "Now what?" is how I felt. In moments of doubt, when I didn't feel enough, I grew angry with myself. Pushing myself in ways I couldn't recognize until it pushed me to the edge of sickness during my program. Especially during the winters. It would be a cycle of: doubt, plateau, artist block, more doubt, and then I fall back into the groove of things—always a little too late. Eventually, by my second year, I found a system that helped me out of that cycle.

When I found myself stuck in an artist's block, I attended lectures and events where people talk about things they are very passionate about. It took my mind off things, and I often walked away motivated to get back to my practice. Those lectures were usually connected to my practice one way or another. I'd walk away emboldened by the lectures that gave me the permission to make the work and ideas I'd been sitting on. This new cycle of attending various lectures and events became the dopamine for my thesis.