Untuck

Letting go of being in control all the time.

A few years ago, I found myself stuck, uncomfortable, and stagnant. This encouraged self-reflection within several areas of my life—particularly in my love life. I started to recognize specific generational patterns in my family and decided that I wanted something different for myself. Not that my family members before me inherently did things wrong with their lives, but I recognize the patterns. Patterns in decision-making when it came to choosing partners and how many of those relationships ultimately panned out. I wanted something loving, lasting, and most of all, kind in nature. This led me to many unresolved traumas and blind spots that I neither expected nor planned to confront. I was one of those girls growing up who said, "I never really cared about marriage." Boy, was I wrong. Turns out I cared a great deal about it. What I kept coming back to is: how can I say something like that but then yearn for something like love in my life? My math wasn't adding up. So I sulked into many old corners of my life, questioning everything. Why do I not want to be married? Why do I not want children? Why do I not seek motherhood like many other women around me? Why am I not a great older sister? What are my issues with a mixed family dynamic? Will I forgive myself for the mistakes I made in my past decisions? And the list goes on.